I decided to measure my penis length, so I took one of those foldable rulers out and began measuring. As I was holding the ruler out, my hand slipped and the ruler folded in half, pinching my penis head in the process. FWM

My cat jumped onto my lap. I started to pet her and she started doing the "clawing" thing, she then got the tip of my penis, I yelled in pain and she freaked out and scratched up all over the top of my legs with her claws trying to jump off of me FWM

While at the drs today for poison ivy which was on my thighs and my arm, I got my foot caught in the door and scraped the front of my big toe off. Apparently it was the wrong building and her office was next door. Plus, the rash on my thighs is not poison ivy. FWM

I have been sneakily selling my parents' valuables for the past 3 weeks to get high on dope. FWM

I was in the T-mobile store when I ran into my doc. Hes elderly and can barely hear, but apparently the best in the field. We started talking, and he told me he dropped his phone into the toilet. Then he put it into the microwave to "dry it out". He performed my operation last week FWM

My mom found an empty baggie with residue in my back pocket, of course I denied knowing how it go there. They said if I was telling the truth I would agree to take a piss test, so I did. Turns out I have vd & I'm pregnant. I used my girlfriend's piss. FWM

My gf and I got really high then went to class. When we got there the teacher told us this period we are having a special class. It was D.A.R.E.. The lady used me as an example for why people shouldn't do drugs. FWM

I was bent over with my ass exposed during my proctology exam. The doctor said, 'I know you're going to enjoy this' jokingly. My response, as a hot nurse walked in an saw the doc hovering over me: "Enjoy my ass." FWM

I discovered I had lung cancer, I've never smoked but my whole family has been smoking around me for 20 years. None of them have cancer. FWM FWM

I woke up with pink eye in both of my eyes. My vision was blurry, and it really hurt. So I put neosporin allover the corners. 2 minutes later my eyes were hurting even more. It wasn't neosporin...it was my mom's preparation H. FWM